I fucking love croydon already!

We moved to our new place last Tuesday. Up until Monday morning, it was a bit 'keep yer head down and get on with it'; but now I'm starting to appreciate just how much I needed the change.

It's a bigger pond, and I can start being a bigger fish!

I never thought of myself as an urbanite. I have so much connection with nature. Yet the walk along our road is full of happy trees, who can smell one of their own (a tree-hugging hippy like me).

We have a town that stays open at night, with shiney shiney lights & things to do. It is, in a word and a bit, awe-fucking-some!

I got this feeling before when I was staying with Karinne in Sydney. I had thought it to be the unique blend around Newtown, but it's actually the feeling of being part of a city (despite pedantry, I feel Croydon fits that definition). Newtown is still nicerer though ;o)

Tuesday night was especially awesome; met Karinne at the station & went for chinese buffet, wandered around town after, then played a balanced game of Carcassone (the aim of our game is not so much to win as to create a balanced map with no gaps; K streaked ahead & I got within 4 on the endgame).



We has no interwebs yet. Looks like that may be a problem; no obvious means of connecting a phone line either.... but it has meant that I've been getting creative again, doing musics. Mostly original tunes this time; I have ideas to start so many. I should really set up a painting space soon...



Spiritually I am growing too. I'm reading about past life regression, hypnotic states, removing conscious interjection & appreciating the truth of your instincts. Belief in reincarnation is becoming galvanised too. I have strong inklings that I've been here several times; as a viking, as a tree, as a repressed gay man in the '50's, and as a rabbit (which might explain my libido!).

I have some idea of the journey. This life is but a stage along the way, to increase our learning. We are each higher beings, gods & godesses, beings of light & awareness. I know this, for I am love. ;o)

I'm finding my skills, the things that I learnt before. I have an artists eye to see the colours that others do not. I have the ability to remember; past lives, spiritual awakenings.

Now I just need to remember what I came here to do. Before I die, I will do something that changes the world...



Going out tonight to catch up with Tamon; an old friend who is playing experimental electro in a bar near the high street. Should be uber cool!

Moving to a semi in a suburban street.

Sleeping in 2 duvets while the heating got fitted.

Our first cat, 2 weeks old, feeding him fish pie and a saucer of milk then him sleeping on my lap.

Finding cat crap on my Doona when a girl came up after school.

Lots of pre-adolescent sexing in each other's rooms / gardens / behind old anderson shelters.

Drawing in chalk on the pavement, mostly Star Wars battles.

Playing any board game that had pretend money in it.

A dartboard in the living room.

Listening to 7 inch singles.

The new years that it was mostly just me and mum, and she taught me cocktails.

Getting my mum to write out the words to Space Oddity so I could learn it.

Dancing to "another heart breaks" by ELO

Finally having a birthday party.

Lego lego lego lego

Fraggle rock on sunday nights.

Kicking Ricky Brinnican in the nuts.

Stinging nettles everywhere.

Lying in long grass under an apple tree.

Water fights in summer.

Making spaceships out of wood and boxes.

My rubber-keyed speccy.

Going to child guidance with my parents to control my temper.

Making up games in the playground

Being picked on

Making my first true friend in Ed.

Being throttled and shaken by my old headmaster.

Wanting to be somewhere else.

The smell of cow parsley

grass fights

the copse at lunch break in summer.

never quite fitting

shutting down a lot

getting dressed for school in bed before I went to sleep.

a fox getting 3 chickens on the first night we had them.

being hit on the head with a swing

dad being ill for a year.

babysitters.

my parents making a sandpit for laura's birthday after she went to bed one night.

our 2nd cat going missing

tropical aquariums.

testing my body, wanting to die for no reason

hiding under my parents duvet and pretending that it was a series of tunnels.

watching joe 90 or thunderbirds on a saturday morning.

the many times it snowed, the things we built & sledging.

eating ivy to see if it was poison.

mum refusing to read me any more mr men or dr seuss.

reading the wind in the willows and alice in wonderland for myself.

having chicken pox, especially the one on my foot (the loo was 3 floors down).

the bees swarming, and paul (?) climbing the tree to get them back.

REALLY big bonfires.

ducks in the courtyard.

not being able to have a birthday party because we lived in a squat.

lightning storms out my window, 3 floors up, where each bolt would fill the whole view.

my favourite toy; rabbit. he had an eye missing, and would have lots of birthdays.

waking up to find my bookcase toppled & 2 policemen in my room after a 'raid'. they found nothing.

my dad standing and peeing into my potty after.

being breast fed for the last time.

so many trips to the cinema! like superman 3 with my dad, and he got me the comic, or the time bandits when the film broke at the robin hood scene, star wars & empire' where we only arrived after 3po & r2 were in the desert, or tron, when i missed a bit to go for a wee.

eating parmola violets with mum & cath.

looking for more the next day, finding some interesting things on the mantlepiece, eating them and playing lego (my first trip!)

feeling trapped by the bars on my cot, especially once when i was sick & no-one heard me.

drawing a mural on the wall in crayon.

building the biggest & best lego cities & spaceports, endlessly rummaging through the box of pieces.

long walks with the dogs, hiding in bracken til they came and found me.

sitting on the floor near my mum's desk & drawing with her.

getting up after wetting the bed once. Jel & cath were round, watching 2001 in the dark with my parents. The room smelt of ganja. I sat with them a while and got to see the pod bay doors bit & the start of the trippy bit after.

walks with my nan. the smell of woodbines in her car.

going to denmark. bearclaw. the sea. venebrod (sp?). camomile tea. jellyfish. viking burial mounds. heather. butterflies. jolly cola. ice cream. hunting for amber on the beach. danish women smoking cigars. butterflies. my mum painting. bathing in a tub by the fire. lego. family card games.

tapes of opera that my nan would play me whenever i couldn't get to sleep at her house.

chocolate sanwiches!

dungarees

marvel comics; the hulk & spiderman

capital radio; my uncle telling us that the flying eye was a giant letter I that hovered over london.

doing a poo in a bathroom showroom, proud that i found a toilet myself.
not understanding why we left so quickly afterwards.

collecting smooth glass on the beach as jewels, then leaving it by dragons caves on long walks, only to come back and find it replaced by chocolate.

cola, crisps, pool & arcade games at the ambulance club. my dad playing snooker. tunnelling under the stacked chairs with the other kids. being served guinness by mistake.

airbrush art. the care my mum took to cut out stencils. the noise of the compressor.

bod, playschool, king rolo, mr benn, ivor the engine, trumptown, tiswas, the muppet show.

being in trouble, but my mum not being able to catch me.

my top bunk covered in soft toys.

running around the missionary mart, like it was a maze from doctor who.

eating fresh honey from the honeycomb.

so

I'm at work. The workload has run out, and I'm f##king bored!

Had a cool weekend; a beer (2nd exception in 4 weeks!) and bar billiards with mi bird on Friday, followed by dinner out then Rick and Marie making much merriment a la maison avec du glace en ca soir. Natural history museum with K & her friend Michelle on Saturday, with relatively modest impulse spending (a crystal growing kit for Leylah's crimbo, a lapis lazuli necklace for me to wear around my wrist). Went on to Chinatown for dumplings after - nom!
In the evening, we popped in to see Naomi/Dee and her man-wife, who were playing host to the visiting Goodeats.

Sunday was various casual shopping, sorting & cuddles. Lovely!

The first of two posts I plan to write today. My underlying mood is of calm and happiness right now, and I thought it would be nice to share here.

I am in love. Romantic love. Deeply so. Karinne makes me feel loved, wanted, capable, talented, able & strong. I would marry her today if I could, so as to make clear my intention that we spend the rest of our lives together. I no longer feel that I am lazy, worthless or embarassing; thoughts that became galvanized during my previous ill-fated relationship with Ruth.

I am a good person. I listen to friends at let them tell me the things that they need to tell someone who will hear them. I am generous (though sometimes to a fault); money really doesn't matter compared to the happiness, stability & enlightenment that I share with the people I love.

I am talented in many things. I am compassionate. I am thoughtful. I will stand up for what's right.

I am a good parent. We had a wonderful weekend with Leylah, and Leylah responded wonderfully in return (which is something that K is likely to blog in more detail). I set up the PS2 on Friday & we played silly games, making up words & stories. We continued to play on the way into town on Saturday, watched films together. Even survived a Sunday brunchtime potential burnout effortlessly. I love my daughter; she lights up my life.

I definitely notice the improvement in myself through drinking less. Nearly 3 weeks now, and I've only made one exception (for an ex-flatmate; beer and MOTD2 was a kinda ritual when we co-habited). This is in marked contrast to the previous all but one or two days a week pattern I'd settled into. I'm not following teetotal as absolute; I believe I should allow myself temptation, so as to remember why I'm doing it. I still intend to drink alcohol in future, though I'm not yet sure what would be a suitable pattern or set of circumstance to adopt.

I haven't been painting much, but just enough to feel I'm not neglecting my creativity. I'm also dabbling in music again, both sequencing & guitar playing.

Last week I discovered the fun to be had posting on the polls on Facebook, at first by arguing pro gay marriage. This naturally tends to raise lots of objections from certain Christians, which has given me the chance to question their (oft flawed) beliefs.

Many things have arisen from taking part in these debates;
- I've remembered & awoken my need & love of questioning pre-established rules.
- The love, response & support I've received has been overwhelming; it reminds me just how much I am not alone.
- The calm, open discourse that has sprung up with people with opposing viewpoints has been truly heart warming. I feel like giving the world & the interwebs a great big hug!
- I've enjoyed getting to vary the tempo of my replies to match those posted to me, switched between measured argument, raw vitriol, childish insults & love & support to meet each at their own level. More often than not, what first appears as an insult turns into friendly banter.

and this contact with religious people is what will inspire my next post...

why do i feel so guilty
for wanting to either fuck or get fucked up?

I've had a moment to think on things. I don't think that any of this counts as emo/distressing, and it certainly isn't targetted or resentful.

I'm just not flowing at the moment. Hardly at all! It feels like there's always some detail that requires my attention, some thing that needs discussing or fixing. This is down to my reaction/perspective, not the appearance of these things themselves.

I feel myself yearning for a simple day again; turn up for work, do work, go home, relax & smile. It just doesn't seem to be ending up that way. Everything in my life is kinda stop/start staccatto right now.

We have a place to move to, full of bright and shiny. This is a good thing. In the meantime though, I'm kind of stuck in limbo; I can't fix 'that little thing' now because its all going to change anyway.

My mood is pretty low, but I realise this and can compensate. I'm not sure how much energy I have in myself to do this; at my most inspired I remember that I can draw energy from the world around me; from sunlight, nature, wind, water, love, comfort, darkness, angels; from anywhere! But my mood is swinging and I find it hard to remember sometimes...

I wish I had more money.
I wish I had more time.

These things will come.

(I'm waiting patiently, I wait for the sign...)

okay, so today it is pissing it down in redhill, so i am back at keys in my lunchbreak & can write a quick version of summint I wanted to post yesterday.

You may know by now that I've decided to go teetotal for 2 months. On Sunday night, I made an exception (for it to be 'just like old times' with my former flatmate). I planned that I might in advance, and don't see this as a warning sign along my attempted abstinence. I had 4 regular bottled beers, which to my mind is only 1 past sensible.

Along the walk back home, I had many revelations, and was continually stopping to jot them down in my notebook. The most notable [and the one I'm posting here to share];

"I don't need to hide any more. I'm happy in the first place now."

One thing that I've noticed of late is that I've been using alcohol as a shield, as something to hide behind and absorb myself in, rather than face up to unpleasant truths...[I'll post more about this later].

But what I've also come to realise is that I've been doing the same thing with sex.

I have a strong appetite to start with; I find it hard to go a day without indulging, be it on my own or with another. Somehow I've learned to ignore everything else in favour of sex, and that things will be better if I can have sex. I need to start to challenge both of these things.

This aspect of my current personality has formed so slowly and over so many years that I never noticed it becoming so dominant; that it now feels like a shell around me. I have always been both curious & experimental about sex (which is still a good thing btw), but just where did I become obsessive?

I think the switch came at some point with Ruth. After about 5 years living together maybe? It may help to ask not where or when, but WHY?

I always regarded (and still do) sex as an act of worship. Two (or more, or less!) individuals celibrating their love, bodies, existence by embracing the realm of the senses, of imagination. Any aspect of the human experience may be expressed through sex;- it's playtime for adults, a place to vent, to explore, to learn, to trust.

Cutting it short (cos I'm at work and want to get to the point before it eludes me!); I have to start again. I have to stop hankering after sex & re-learn how to make love...

I think this merits further comment...

I'm only just starting to find acceptance, changing from 'I might have been here before' to 'I HAVE been here before'. Making my first baby steps ;o)

so... for a change, i wanted to post something that wasn't just an emo rant (i've so far only really written on here when i'm down), and inspired in part from the Deepak Choppra that I'm reading, I figure that this is a good enough topic.

What I believe has been shaped by my own experience and learning. A lot of it has been shaped by Taoism, and the idea of hte flow of Chi etc. If you don't know Taoism, think of it as a belief in "the force", just like Yoda would have taught!

Over time, I'm steadily learning to uncover, trust and accept truths about myself. I call them truths, because they are true to me; you may disagree, but that is your own choice.

I believe in spirit, in soul. I believe in different planes of existence, that the physical realm is but one leg of the journey. I believe that the physical and spiritual (or "subtle", as I am learning to refer to them) planes of existence may be bridged, and that I accomplish this when I paint;- I bring forth an image from another place that will resonate as true, since it comes from a place we have all known before.

I believe in Jesus, and I believe that he was truly the son of God, but not God in the sense that Christianity would have us learn. God is the name of the forces that bind all; of nature, of reaction, of truth. God is part of everything, and God is everything. God embraces all, and knows only love.

Any of us can know God, and become God in such that we accept that we are already part of 'her', of the light that binds us all. Jesus figured this out, tried to tell us, but his words got abused & his body got nailed to a tree somewhere. Bloody Hippy.

There are more and greater forces at work in our lives than we commonly appreciate. Our culture has become obsessed with the Physical World, that which can be quantified by science. In response, some have started to take religious/spiritual views as something to dabble in, to experiment with & learn from. We now stand on the cusp of these two opposing forces being united; the non-existence of particles until their position is measured and the folded dimensions within taking science into the realms of faith, and equally faith approaching science from the other side.

I believe that I have lived here before. This is not my first time on this phsysical plane. I trust you dear reader, enough to share this with you, for I am love, and part of everything.

I hesitate to go on for feaar of seeming foolish...

I have had many past lives. I know this because I feel it. (Without evidence to the contrary, why do I feel the need to question these beliefs? Is this the shadow of my cultural self?). I have met Karinne before, though I think we were older last time our paths crossed. I have been a gay man, and a woman. i have been an artist and a king.

From this experience I bring connection; I am aware of the subtle plane, I can project into it & walk that path. I can capture that feeling and express it to my fellow man;- this is perhaps my purpose? At times, I can almost merge the two planes into a single experience; being aware of the subtle & physical in all things, though it is tricky to carry the picture of that place as strongly as what I can see with my own eyes.

I recharge my energies through nature; through the warmth of the sun on my face, the breeze in my hair, the soft prickle of raindrops or the shade of the trees. Nature is my ally to strength.

will leave this for now... comments please?

I have all these places to vent online, but I still dare not share my deepest thoughts, my darkest fears.

Not even here.

I've realised a pattern that I need to break; something that has affected my relationships to date. My behaviour has been shaped by the relationship between my parents, and as much as I've tried not to use my Dad as a role model, there is a significant way in which I have. As I look at how they interact & come to understand deeper layers, I am in turn discovering how I am behaving & how my actions are sometimes both flawed & automatic.

My Mother worries. She will often use her worry as an excuse not to do something, hide behind it. She will chip away at an idea rather than just going with what she's got.

My Dad tries to make my Mum happy. He tries to do everything, only to be frustrated when it isn't enough for my Mum, or rather that she only points out what's still wrong or needing doing. My Dad doesn't let on how much strain he puts himself under until he reaches breaking point, when arguments ensue.

My Dad longs for my Mum to just participate again freely. He wants her to be the happy & creative person that he knows she is. My Mum stays up late & drinks wine, wishing she could go out to a pub for a quiz or live music. My Dad sees my Mum get drunk & doesn't want to go out to places of an evening because he feels embarassed by her getting drunk & being silly, whilst he would still be sober to drive them. My Mum gets drunk quicker when she's out because it's not a regular thing & she feels she has to cram as much as possible into one night...


so
patterns that I need to break...

I shouldn't struggle alone, I am not a Martyr.
It's okay to admit that things are too much or to ask someone to wait whilst I do something else.
I am happy to go with what I've got; I will not waste time worrying about things that ultimately do not matter.
It's better to do something one night than to spend a week staying up late & regretting it.

(rambling a bit now... maybe i should go & eat?)

all i have to do is paint

and my dreams may take flight

all i have to do is paint

and life will unfold before me

all i have to do is paint

and i will be true to myself

all i have to do is paint

to end my internal conflicts

all i have to do is paint

to be able to see the sun again

all i have to do is paint

to find direction

all i have to odo is paint

to be at peace with myself

all i have to do is paint

to start the journey
onwards
home

1) I will always love you, no matter what.

2) You are capable of becoming anything you want, it only takes faith & positive action.

3) You are beautiful.

4) Always be true to yourself.

5) It's okay to admit when you're wrong.

6) Trust your instincts; they're there for a reason.

7) Never be afraid. Never be ashamed of who you are.

life has been glowing & wonderful for a while now.
every moment full of love, happiness and promise.
the urge to be creative, to do something has been seeping back to the surface.

so, it's no suprise that i'm due an off day.

today i just want to get stoned & shut out the world.

you have a zoo. you instal some rides. you charge per go.

the rides start doing well, so you build a theme park...


you build a handful of big rides in place of a few of the animals. you don't need to advertise. word spreads & the visitors come.

after a while, you need a new draw, a new attraction.
you build another ride. you tag on a price rise.

this repeats, until the price gets too high and you run out of space to build.

so what do you do? you lower the price.
every year the offers get more fantastic, the price lower. the people come in droves!

it's then that you release something called a 'fast-track' ticket.

it costs a lot. almost double the old entrance fee, before the amazing offers started!

but people still buy it

for a birthday treat

or special occasion...

...and eventually, everyone considers it. they see the fast-trackers skip the queue, and they think "wouldn't it be nice to that sometime?". it stops being a treat. it becomes an option.

so more fast-track tickets sell. except now there's a 2 lines; the regular one, and one for fast-track, but the fast-track isn't nearly as long, and moves a lot faster. the cycle continues.

eventually both lines are the same size.
fast-track becomes essential.

less people buy regular tickets alone.

that's when you introduce 'corporate' passes.

it costs a lot. almost double the old fast-track fee, before the amazing offers started!

but people still buy it

for a birthday treat

or special occasion...

mmmmmmmmm
bed

beddy bed

mmm...beddy-beddy
mmm...beddy-beddy
mmmm.

mmm...beddy-beddy
mmm...beddy-beddy
mmmm.

beddy bed JED
beddy bed bed
beddy bed JED
beddy bed bed

beddy beddy bed bed\:)
bed! bedbedbedbed
mmMMMmmm....bed!

:D
XD
<D :D (bed)

Asaparagus makes your wee smell funny
Eating bees won't taste like honey
Happiness don't come with money
Dress for rain to make it sunny

Even in a large amount
Spit is as lube will never count
Cleanliness is paramount
You feed the steed then ride them out

Food tastes better when you cook it
Life will happen when you book it
If it bothers you, don't overlook it
I had more lines, but someone took it...

People rely on their cars too much. There are too many cars on the road.

Everyone basically wants the same things. Listen to what they mean, not just what they say.

Public Transport should be subsidised by government, if not nationalised.

Car owners should bear the cost of road maintenance.

Wasting food is criminal. If you waste meat, you're wasting an animal's life.

Drug addicts do not belong in prison, they belong in hospital; they are sick and need to be healed, not cast out.

There are too many people in the world. Euthenasia should be a choice that anyone can make.

Everything in nature is unashamedly beautiful. If you look out of a window and see something ugly, it was put there by man.

We all yearn to be understood, and accepted as what we are by those who understand us.

Children see things more naturally than adults. They might not make sense at times, but they're seeing the world in ways that we have trained ourselves to filter out. Try dropping those filters once in a while.

We throw away too much crap. Electronics, magazines. Disposable lifestyles that didn't really make us happy.

We need to recycle. We need to care for the planet we live on.

Money is something that has been invented by man. It means very little. It does not make us happier.

Time is something that has been invented by man. It means very little. It does not make us happier.

Everything can be seen as sexual, in some context. Sex is the coming together of opposites. All things can be measured by opposites.